On bitterness

I’ve graduated. It was a nice day. Sunny, I loved the gown, I thought to myself: I could get used to this. I loved wearing the gown; it brought back the feelings of specialness I got from my Jesuit past. Anyhoo, one thing I will remember for the rest of my life is one of my lecturers (Dr. Marshall) saying to me: “You are now one of us”.

Approval. In a way that seems to be something very important to me. Acceptance.

It is very shallow, I know, and Destre would always say how such an end is not our true primary motive for conduct. I had a difficult few years. Approval is something I didn’t hope to achieve. It was brief; transient, but for that short period of acceptance, I felt a slight sense of joy. I think I find it difficult to accept praise, to entertain or even accept acceptance.

Today I have been very bitter and angry, very critical and observant. One thing a philosopher can do is criticise the shit out of everything, peering into all manner of assumptions and tacit inferences. I hardly cast that light upon human affairs, but recently, I have. The reasoning I have is not kind to others, or myself, but it is, in a sick way, fun. It is fun to humiliate others in the light of their faults, it is also important to do so in a way that helps them to improve. I think I understand the toughness of the Jesuits. Their strict and almost sadistic streak had a constructive effect on me.

Three years have past. I began my blogging during my ‘A’ levels and I had much anxiety over getting into university; now htat I have finished my degree, no smiles can really be made, except a qualified pyrric gaze. I have lost a lot, I have gained some too. I have made good friends, some of which contribute to this blog. I have realised my ‘friends’ of the past are mere shadows, mere frauds, and some enemies of hte past are true friends.

Maybe now, without a past, I can get on with the future unhindered. Maybe now is the time to prove myself.

I constantly feel the need to prove myself. I have something to prove.


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