The young charge, Michael asked us the question
Have you ever had to sacrifice something, or accept a loss, that was so important, that you questioned your motive to go on?
To which, Sinistre told us about his fellow officers, the Sinistreans; all of which have lost their identities, leaving Sinistre the only one to bear their name, their spirit. What follows now is the tale of Antisophie; the Anti-Sophist? Or the Anti-[philo]Sopher? Her allegiance is ambiguous; be she enemy to sophistry; or, enemy to philosophy?
[A] Magister Sinistre, your calamity is severe; but it compares not to mine. You stayed forthright and noble in your pursuit, right to the last. Like Aeneas, who was a middle ranking Trojan prince; the King of the Dardanans; he fought bravely, but the fates decreed he had to lose. He was great, but he had to lose. Such is your tragedy, Sinistre. Your motivations aren’t clear now we know you are a fallen former Sinistrean.
[D] That is the very question Michael has set for us, Antisophie. How is it that someone can go on after such a tragic affair?
[A] Oh, that’s a bit more understandable for his situation. Sinistre lost his nation, but not his virtue; although the loss of his people takes a great toll upon his soul. My story is slightly different, I too have a tragic history; but I was not noble like Honourable Sinistre…
My chest gave me pains again as these memories they shared remineded me of my own history. My heart beats faster at this point, and an overwhelming pain in my chest arises. Antisophie speaks:
I was young, and hopeful for the future. I had many friends, or so I thought. I joined the Academy and expected it to be like in the glory days of corresponding minds who argued agaisnt each other and shared genuine concern for the world. Ever the optimist I was; i was schooled in the old ways of Catholic Theology pairs with Classical and Modern philosophy. Seeking the Enlightenment days of greatness and hope were my dreams. That, and pursuing my love for my dearest friend. She too shared my feelings, we hoped for a future together, but our condition was that we were not to act on our feelings until we were both out of the Academy. Our duties as academics took precedence.
My friends in Collegium Cor Sacramentum were my sisters in arms. I thought we were going to be an elite team of future leaders and warriors. They thought the same, like Sinistre, however, they weren’t. They all died out by their own inner bitterness. Am I any different, you ask? A valid question. My bitterness comes from what happened when they died out; when the noble fires in their hearts extinguished by the herd instinct, by adulthood, by sexuality, by self-incurred minority.
I was left not able to grow, less able to love, less able to hope, and filled with vice and hatred. My story of bitterness is a long one, Areopagites; and perhaps that is another story for itself. The one thing that broke me, was this, however…
I loved this dear girl; but during my days in the academy; my hopes for the new Enlightenment, my hoeps for emancipating others and serving, and appreciating the importance of pushing our limits, was upon deaf ears. I was made to be isolated, even from my friends, particularly my best friend, from the Collegium Cor Sacramentum. They excluded me, ridiculed my hopes, and left me on my own. I thought I could continue with my work; but eventually the calamity was too great, I woke up in tears some days, the reality was far worse than the nightmare of my slumber. How did I go on? How did I go on at that point three years ago? If there is an answer that is presented to my introspective intuition; it is too painful to even utter. So I cannot answer your question, Michael. But know this; I am Magister Antisophie, you are a Magister too; so is Sinistre, and Master Destre. Sinistre has his burden; and so do I. The one who I loved the most, also fell for another; and I was left futher on my own. The thigns that I hoped for, the past that I cherished, were all destroyed, like Aeneas’ Troy. But I then became filled with hate, revenge, anger, violence, bitterness, the kind which is so strong that I am fundamentally submitted to it. It enslaves me.
I suppose my answer to your question is this; I live in hope, that I remember who I used to be, and try to make something out of the future. You must realise that the future is a very difficult project; for we are its authors who have the task to write it; we write it not with words of ink, but sweat and blood. I am very hurt, Michael. I continue and joined Areopagus to see what comes, after the great Academies are burned down, and the great institutions and ancient laws are forgotten. What is life after death?
Antisophie was filled with tears; Sinistre came to consolidate her, but she ran away from the study. Sinistre followed suit. Michael attempted to follow, but I said
[D] Let them find each other, I still have yet to answer your question, and a good one it is. Antisophie is a lost soul, trying to find who she really is. She can only find that solution within her own resolve, her own thoughts, her own self. Antisophie has a personal journey to find acceptance within herself after the rejection from outside took away what she cherished within her.
The moral of her story is that the foundations of her character, although innocuous, such as the pursuit of love, and the approval of her noble elders; is falsly based. She spoke of the ancient laws of the institutions; she now seeks to ancient laws that we decree as human beings; what Kant referred to as “the moral law within…”, we can’t always follow the “Starry skies above”. Antisophie’s love was tragic, and unfortunate. But we have to be hurt if we are to love; and it is important to love. Especially when we need to love, and support a suffering soul. Thus begins my story….